March 30, 2020
What’s that sound? That’s the repetitive beeping of your dog’s phone going off all day long. We may be in lockdown, but your pup is more connected than ever. Their paw is scrolling through one news feed after another, searching for updates on when they can return to the dog park once again. Texts are flying in like frisbees, they’re taking themselves on virtual walks through Google maps, and they’re online shopping for treats. Venus — planet of love and friendship — enters communicative, mercurial, and intelligent Gemini this week, encouraging your canine to adapt to this new way of life. Social distancing be damned, your pup is determined to find a way to get their tail wagging!
However, keeping that energy up is difficult, so if you’re feeling nostalgic for days that were filled with more outdoors and less indoors, it’s totally understandable! Check out the dog horoscope from last week if you want a healthy dose of the past. Otherwise, let’s embark on this journey of staying in the dog house together… because the week of March 30 to April 5 calls for it:
Did you know it costs exactly zero dollars to stop barking all day long, Aries dog? I know you have lots of opinions about the current lockdown and you need to warn your human whenever there’s a sound at the front door, but it’s getting… a little excessive. Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? It’s a cautionary tale about someone who barked so much that it lost its meaning! What if an actually dangerous intruder shows up at the front door and your human doesn’t believe you because you barked at the UPS delivery person just like that 20 minutes ago? You’re famous for being a protector, Aries. You definitely don’t want to lose your street cred by barking too often! Leave the front door alone.
Check out the Aries dog horoscope from last week.
I know you’re concerned about saving up during this lockdown, but you’re on the verge of being called “cheap” by the rest of your pack. You’re such a luxurious dog, Taurus. Being considered cheap is, like, your worst nightmare! Instead of hoarding all those artisanal turkey jerky treats, why not share them with your friends? Instead of letting your toys sit in a heaping pile, why not actually let everyone help you tear them to shreds? After all, that’s what dogs are supposed to do! I know this is a ruff situation and there’s no way of knowing when your local pet store will restock all of these items, but a wolf is supposed to be a member of a pack. You and your furry friends will get through this together, but it requires you to be a team player.
Check out the Taurus dog horoscope from last week.
Ooh la la, Gemini. You’re not just any old dog this week. Your fur is glistening like you just walked out of the doggie salon. Your nails are expertly filed and manicured to perfection. Your eyelashes even look like extensions, and who knew dogs could get eyelash extensions?! You’re strutting your stuff like you’re a freaking doggie model! Venus has entered your sign and she’s making sure you’re the most attractive dog in the neighborhood. In fact, your human’s phone is blowing up with requests from doggie talent agents. They want to put you on the cover of the most famous dog food brand around! Don’t be shy, Gemini. You know you love the attention.
Check out the Gemini dog horoscope from last week.
Your doggie senses are tingling and you’re very aware of all the energy that surrounds you, Cancer. Wrap your paws around your crystal ball and look into the future because you might be psychic. There are tasty treats, games of tug of war, and belly rubs awaiting you, Cancer dog. The crystal ball sees it! FYI, just because you’re a dog does not mean you’re not spiritual. Lately, you’ve been having vivid dreams of the beyond and sensing your human’s thoughts and feelings. This might be a beautiful time to help your human feel loved and understood because they’re probably feeling pretty freaked out at the moment. Your dog-tuition is soothing and very much needed!
Check out the Cancer dog horoscope from last week.
Chat with a real vet — any time, day or night.
With this lockdown in place, dogs are feeling more bored than ever. Their human can’t take them to the dog park, they’re eating the wrong brand of kibble because of shortages at the pet store, and they can sense their human is feeling bummed out, which also bums them out. You have the power to save the day, Leo. You’re a super-dog and the world needs you! Why not start a charity that helps dogs in need? Why not start a daily Zoom meeting and invite every dog in the neighborhood to play? Why not check in with your furry friends who are hurting? Your pack needs a leader and that leader is you. Not all heroes wear capes, but they certainly were born under a certain zodiac sign called “Leo”.
Check out the Leo dog horoscope from last week.
You’re probably not feeling very paw-ductive lately and there’s nothing wrong with that, Virgo. After all, you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself to keep up with your many unrealistic goals. You’re a dog, remember? You don’t have to spend all day long applying to jobs and updating your LinkedIn profile. That’s what your human is supposed to do, not you! You know what your job is? To follow the house rules and to be adorable. Luckily, you’re doing both super well and you’re “the best doggie in the world,” as your human would say! As long as you’re not rummaging through garbage and peeing on the living room carpet, I’d say you’re doing pretty damn all right, Virgo.
Check out the Virgo dog horoscope from last week.
I know you’d much rather be hanging out at the dog park with all your furry friends or going on an exciting hike with your human, but social distancing calls for a different type of adventure. I bet you haven’t even explored every nook and cranny of your home. Have you been to the attic lately? Have you checked out the shed in the backyard? Sniffed the dandelions growing through the cracks of the pavement on your patio? Chased away the neighborhood squirrel from the front yard? OK… I can’t lie to you. This is a total bummer, Libra. After all, you’re a dog! You’re made for the great outdoors! You’re meant to discover new territories! But right now, you should try to be the most patient and responsible dog you can be and stay home.
Check out the Libra dog horoscope from last week.
Now that your human is working from home, you’re probably feeling more attached to them than ever, Scorpio. You’re curling up against them in bed, trailing behind them as they head to the kitchen, and even following them into the bathroom! There’s nothing wrong with loving your human, but you might be acting a little bit co-dependent at the moment. What’s gonna happen when your human starts going back to the office? You might have a total meltdown, that’s what! This week, it would do you well to start remembering that you are a strong, independent dog who don’t need no human. Well… you do need them to feed you. But, I mean, other than that.
Check out the Scorpio dog horoscope from last week.
Are things getting a little serious with that dog you met on a doggie dating app, Sagittarius? You guys have been FaceTiming every night and texting all day long. Could this dog be “the one”? Hold your horses there, you little rascal. You haven’t even met this dog and sniffed their butt in person yet! Yes, it’s true, you are practicing safe social distancing dating lately and you deserve a treat for being responsible. But you should also take it easy before asking them to move into your dog house! What if you guys meet and they look nothing like their profile picture? What if they’re a totally different breed of dog?! I know you’re a romantic, Sagittarius, but let’s be smart about this.
Check out the Sagittarius dog horoscope from last week.
Your human is being advised to stay home, so they’re probably trying to limit their trips to the pet store by stocking up on dog food. However, this does not mean eating it all at once, Capricorn! I know seeing the pantry filled with all different types of kibble, treats, and canned pâté is probably making your mouth water, but that food is meant to last! I know you’ve been thinking about breaking into the pantry in the middle of the night and eating every last crumb, but you’re not only going to make your human mad, you’re also going to make yourself sick. Practice restraint, Capricorn!
Check out the Capricorn dog horoscope from last week.
You and your human are spending a whole lot of time indoors, Aquarius. That means it’s way too easy to get bored out of your skull. However, you don’t have to stare at the wall all day long either! Think of all the fun things you can do with all this extra time you now have. You can finally start working on that screenplay about Alaskan sled dogs or begin painting that portrait of Queen Elizabeth II with all her royal corgis. Tap into your creativity, Aquarius! Don’t let anyone tell you you’re just a dog. Your future is in your paws and you have the power to become whoever you want to be! Express yourself, make a mess, and prove everyone wrong. You’re not just a canine; you’re a cane-artist!
Check out the Aquarius dog horoscope from last week.
I know you’re used to your human taking care of you, Pisces. However, right now, your human needs you to take care of them. Think of everything they do for you and how they’re always there for you! Why not return the favor? Bite onto their blanket and make their bed in the morning. Make them laugh by dancing to “Who Let The Dogs Out?”. Hell, you could even cook them breakfast in the morning (just remember not to feed them the same stuff they feed you, because human’s don’t eat kibble). You are the heart of the home, Pisces! Make your human feel more at home, because after all, they sure as heck know they’re going to be spending way more time stuck in it with this lockdown in place!
Check out the Pisces dog horoscope from last week.