June 14, 2020
Are you ready for clingy, leashed-strapped affection from your furry sidekick? Are you in the mood to cancel plans so you can stay home and watch reruns of “Scooby Doo” all day long while they curl up against you? You better be, because the sun enters Cancer this week, and this cardinal water sign is all about comfort over adrenaline. Even if your dog is a canine adventurer who never says “no” to a long walk, Cancer season will have them opting for quality time on the couch instead.
If you love your dog as much as a Cancer does, then you know you want your dog to have everything in the world (and that includes a top notch dog horoscope). Luckily, the week of June 15 to June 21 has no shortage of tail-wagging excitement. If you’re not 100% sure what horoscope your dog is, you can take this dog zodiac sign quiz here!
If you’re already missing the glory days of charismatic, giggly, and intellectual Gemini season, check out last week’s dog horoscope. But throw your dog a bone and get with the program, because Cancer season is officially upon us. Here’s everything you and your canine best friend need to know:
You love your human with all your heart, Aries. It’s just how you roll! You’re ruled by Mars — the planet of passion — and your love is more fierce than a cat who hasn’t had their morning can of tuna yet. With that being said, you don’t agree with everything your human does. To be more specific… you don’t agree with their design preferences. And that’s OK! You don’t always have to be on the same page! The cat is literally never on the same page as anyone and they’re doing just fine. So, why not decorate your dog house to your own liking? After all, the dog house is yours to tinker with! Why not purchase a painting of bacon (your favorite) or hang curtains with a bone pattern all over them? Make yourself at home, Aries!
What’s the matter, Taurus? Your human had to make an appointment to take you to the vet because you’ve been running around in circles, panting with anxiety! Take a deep breath. You’re a dog! What do dogs really have to be stressed about (other than the fact that the cat stole your bed again)? The vet thinks you’ve been spending a little too much time on your phone lately. Although you denied it, you know you’re downright addicted to Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, you name it. You watch dog rescue videos all day long, constantly check the #puppies hashtag, and argue with cats online until you’re growling. It’s time to limit the screen time, Taurus pup. Social media will always be there, but your peace of mind won’t!
You’ve just discovered the wonders of self-care, Gemini. It’s your favorite excuse for doing literally anything. Chewed up your human’s favorite pair of shoes? Self-care! Dug a hole in your human’s backyard azaleas? Self-care! Chased the cat up to the top of a tree? Self-care! But, let’s be honest, Gemini. You know that’s not really what self-care means! While you love being naughty and mischievous (after all, you are a Gemini), you know your time would be better spent on self-improvement. Why not stock up on self-help books, clean yourself up with a luxurious a paw-dicure, and start each morning off with a healthy, all-organic dog food smoothie? It might sound gross, but it’s healthy!
You’re normally a shy, sensitive, and maybe even somewhat nervous dog, Cancer. It’s not your fault! Cancer is ruled by the moon and everyone knows the moon likes to hide behind the shadow of the night. However, lately, you’re feeling super duper confident. It’s got you standing on your hind legs and putting your paws in the air like you just don’t care! Revel in this courageous energy, Cancer, because you’re finally climbing out of your dog house and letting the world see what you’re made of. However, keep in mind there is such a thing as being too confident. For example, your human’s next door neighbor is more of a cat person, so they probably don’t appreciate it when you jump on them every time they knock on the door. Read the room, Cancer!
Your human decided it would be a fun idea to take you to an animal psychic, Leo. They’re just really curious about what’s going on in that canine brain of yours! They’ve been talking about it all week and they have seriously high hopes. After all, you have this very intelligent look in your eye, and it’s making them wonder if you’re thinking about things like the meaning of life, whether or not we are reincarnated, or why dogs came to existence in the first place. However, you and the animal psychic both know that all you’re doing is thinking about is whether that bug would taste good if you ate it. You’re also thinking about where you’ll take your next dump. But, don’t worry. The animal psychic gave your human a much better answer!
Rumors are spreading faster than you can play fetch, Virgo. It’s got all the neighborhood dogs howling about you! You’re a dog who prefers to keep to themselves, so all this attention is leaving you feeling overwhelmed. There’s even a rumor that you’re conspiring with all the stray cats in the city, betraying your own kind! The truth? You were nice enough to share your kibble with a cat one time. Eventually, all the mongrels started talking, and before you know it, the rumor spun out of control. It’s like you’re living in the canine version of “Gossip Girl” or something! Don’t try to set the record straight, Virgo. It just makes you look more guilty. Just sashay that tail of yours and live your best life. After all, the more they talk, the more famous you get!
Text, call or video chat with a real vet — any time, day or night.
You’ve been stealing all your human’s bacon lately, Libra. You thought they wouldn’t notice! They’re officially tired of being the only one bringing home the bacon, so they’ve come to a decision: you’re getting a job. Time to type up that doggie resume and get to work! You’re applying for jobs like executive paw-ssistant, entry bone officer, and pooch-acy technician. These are all entry-level jobs! Unfortunately, they all want five years of experience. What!? You’re groaning, growling, and whining in frustration. Join the club, Libra! Don’t worry, you’ll get a job sooner or later. In the meantime, at least now you have way more appreciation for everything your human does to bring home the bacon. It certainly makes it taste better!
Your human has tears in their eyes, Scorpio. Why are they crying? Because they’re dropping you off at doggie university, that’s why! It’s time for you to learn all sorts of neat tricks, Scorpio, because your canine brain is ready to be molded into shape. You’re looking at the class list and feeling so inspired. You can’t decide between the anthropology class: “The Wolf vs The Domestic Dog: From Courageous to Coddled” or the sociology class: “Why Dogs Are Just, Like, Better Than Cats.” But you’re getting ahead of yourself, Scorpio dog. First, you need to pass your general ed courses! In fact, you’ve got a math final coming up and you still don’t know whether 2+2=5 or 6. Start studying now, Scorpio. You don’t want to pup-crastinate!
Your human is in a very serious mood lately, Sagittarius. It makes sense! After all, they’ve been drafting up their will! Don’t worry, they’re not dying or anything; they just love you so much, they want to make sure you’ll always be taken care of. However, all this business of wills and estates is putting you directly at odds with your sworn enemy: the cat. They’re putting forth a very convincing case that they deserve 60% of your human’s assets while you should only get a measly 40%. You should feel relieved, because they initially wanted 70%! Sounds like you’ve got a classic interspecies animal-sibling rivalry on your hands, Sagittarius. Don’t let them walk all over you like you’re their litter box! Settle for nothing less than what you deserve!
The astrological stereotype of a Capricorn? They’re all workaholics. Deny it all you want, but you know it’s true! The first thing you do every morning? You check your inbox and paw at your many work emails. Your idea of a Sunday Funday? Applying for high-paying jobs you’re under-qualified for because “you just never know.” Lighten up, Capricorn! Your obsession with work is preventing you from finding a suitable mate! The pug literally broke up with you because you were always canceling dates so you could sniff your boss’s butt instead. You know what’s more important than careers? Love! So why not ask the Saint Bernard out on a date? You know you’ve been crushing on them for a while now. And no, you can’t take them to a work function! Remember how well that turned out last time?
Ever since quarantine began, you’ve been so out of shape, Aquarius. You told yourself you were going to go for runs through the park, stick to all-organic treats, and end each day with a good downward facing dog. What did you do instead? You played Animal Crossing day-in, day-out! There’s no point in feeling bad about yourself, Aquarius, because tomorrow is always a new day. Time to commit to a new workout routine! But take it easy at first, Aquarius. If you go as hard as you used to, you’ll be sore for weeks. You won’t even be able to go up and down the stairs (and you know how much the cat will love teasing you about that). Ease your way back into it, Aquarius. As long as you work up a sweat, you’re doing fine!
Lately, you’ve been so… bored. This isn’t like you, Pisces! You’re one of the most imaginative signs in all the zodiac. You can literally make a stick you found in the backyard the most exciting toy in the world. It’s time to remember all the activities that used to bring you so much joy, such as drinking water out of the toilet, chasing lizards on the patio, and listening to “Who Let the Dogs Out” on repeat. I know the cat told you to get better taste in music, but who cares what the cat thinks? If it makes your tail wag, that’s all that matters! And besides, the cat is super pretentious anyway. Next time they make fun of you, just bring up the awful movie about them that came out last year. You know, the one that everyone tries so hard to forget about!